cloudy days turn to dark lonely nights and no matter where i am you seem to always cross paths with my restless mind

I fall asleep thinking about you. As I sleep I dream about you and when I wake I wait for the day to end so I can do it all over again.

I’m a professional fuck up.

use the eye drops of diamonds to cut through your blind ambition. everything you live for is a false addiction. what WE make is self preservation while all religions practice segregation. it’s not supposed to. you are a slave to your cage and our cage is mother nature, just look around you. so you should learn to love and understand your insignificance and make this place the best place for our short existence. nothing matters but our happiness and procreation to generation to arrive on and on. all i know is i have a love that keeps me waiting and by the time my love realizes what she left behind i will be long gone to a world of my own created from heartache and pain. you have to look at it as if nothing matters because that’s the truth and nil is tried and true at all but our option and choice to either carry on or give up on breathing. if you want to live make the world a better place. if you want to give up then stop living and extend to the next level of energetic complication. but then again im just a realist with unrealistic optimistic outlooks. so im probably the last person you should listen to because im a contradiction that wants to prove itself wrong. 

As the sun rises from the east i look to the west and see the darkness untouched by the new days light. I see dark but am reminded by an angelic voice followed by the vanilla sky rise that in a matter of time the dark will be filled with a clear blue radiant light. my mind wanders to time and what it is. an endless measurement of something incomprehensible? no matter, in time it will come and to be reminded of that is uplifting to my spirit. continue on and in time it will find me, the happiness the rise of the sun brings carried by the song of that angel.  

Everlasting struggle in search of the seemingly unobtainable. Sunny days seem cloudy and warm weather is bitter cold. Summer is winter and winter is hell. No matter how hard I try my mind never gets better while my life goes on to success and great endeavors. Nothing brings joy except one which now I must stay strong for and patiently wait for but waiting not knowing what will come drives me crazy. I wish for the best even when myself gets the best of me sending me down the familiar dark tunnel of emotional scarcity. While searching I find little but sad sorrow thought when I need to be happy. For what I know not but loathing me is unhealthy. We all make mistakes and I know I have made many and the past is close so it tends to frighten me. Stay strong and think positive because tomorrow may get better, don’t think it may get worse and good will traverse. 

A dark mist settles atop my mind shrouding my vision. Unknown eerie knowing creates an unseen vale, a black cloud, blurring all that I see. Stars are my light now for night is perpetual. Nothing is real except the stinging pain now flowing freely through my veins. My heart pounds with a thunderous rage because it is still beating. Unwilling to end all I’ve known but unable to continue on. All is grand but nothing right, complete and total misery is normal. This to shall pass however first I must stay to say farewell. Hurt I know well but friends we are not, rather rivals born next to each other fated for endless and exhausting battle. I have not faltered since recent year but I feel as though it is but a matter of time before i falter. To stay strong is no more than a feeble attempt of misguided positive verbal emotional support for strength I have not found within. I see an alternate route leading to salvation but there is no path just a dense forest with an artificial midnight produced by i’s own canopy. To resist mother nature is futile so to fight the human psyche seems endlessly pointless.

“I hurt myself today to see if I still feel. I focus on the pain, the only thing that’s real. The needle tears a hole, the old familiar sting. Try to kill it all away but I remember everything. What have I become? My sweetest friend, everyone I know goes away in the end.” -Hurt, Trent Reznor. Never again will I hurt myself. With the birth of the new year come the birth of a new born man. I’ll never let myself down again or the ones I love the most.

I can feel myself slipping out of control. I need to stand up straight and balance my soul. Lean on a friendly shoulder if I must, but I can’t let the sinister sadness creep up causing major bust. Thrust my lust in the crumbling pie crust and I’ll be face down in dust sooner than dusk. I can make and I can break, its right on through, where the sun is shining, I found some glue. Notice the sub-see trickery and find a way around it because it could be soon that whit found it and never too soon. Strength has come to me in great tidal waves and so has sad weakness but I’m stronger than low down sorrow bleakness. I will beat this. Rise tall and take in my surroundings, familiar and repetitive yet still so easily confounding. Remember good things come when you work hard and prove yourself. Never let up and fight for what you deserve, work for what you love no matter how hard it might be, always know that love is worth much more than something you fought for. Grab onto whatever you can and hold fast because it is going to be a violently emotional sailing trip through the seldom visited Drakes Passage. If you get it in the end it will all be okay and the best life anyone could ask for will appear, say “high”, love, you know me and my fanatical ways just let me in and never push me away. So many things can happen in time unknown, many so happen in the right way or wrong but the wrong may be right causing some write from long thoughtless early morning moans. If it works to a mutual beneficial end than was there any other path the road could bend? Directed from the dead whom lead under some great none? Right now all I know is that I know nothing, but if I keep moving I’m bound to find something. I hope whatever it is brings me even just a fraction of the happiness you flood my way and if everything works out like I dream every day than nothing will be greater than living each day. Time is tough when the sky is so grey however you can always find a brilliantly beautiful brightly boasting sun ray. Just let it stay with you when you are feeling dismayed and relativity will seem quite swayed.